We Cannot Walk this Journey Alone

The EncouragerOne of the maybe less-known ministries of Elevate is our Emmanuel Support Group, currently run by Penny and Nigel Shivas. This Auckland couple in some circles may be better known as “the parents of Olivia and Benjamin”. Emmanuel Support seeks to give spiritual, emotional and practical support to parents and families of a child, from infant to adulthood, with any disability. Nigel and Penny have an understanding of the stress and pressure that occurs when you have a child with a disability. When they found out both their children had a physical disability there was a lot of unknown, as is the case for most parents. Penny says, “I was having a lot of questions about the unknown and what the future looked like for us. I couldn’t find anyone to talk to.”

They initially got involved in Emmanuel Support through a connection at church. “A lady from the church we were attending at the time, who was involved with Christian Ministries for the Disabled, told us about a meeting. We went and met Di Willis [one of the founders of Elevate]. She told us about Emmanuel Support.” Penny says “We then attended a parent’s retreat and really bonded with other parents there. There was a degree of nervousness at the start. However, we shared stories and started to appreciate each other. And we have been great friends ever since.” Often the bulk of child care and appointments may be the responsibility of one parent more than the other due to practicality of work commitments. This can mean that each couple’s experience of parenting is different, especially for parents of a child with a disability. Nigel says that, “As fathers of children with disabilities, we don’t always see the full extent of what our wives go through. Due to work, we are not always there for key moments of our child’s development such as their first day at kindy or first day at school. We are not always able to attend all the meetings with doctors, physio’s or occupational therapists. Many of these things can turn out to be watershed moments that wives carry unexpectedly alone at that moment. I was not there for my daughter’s first day at school. And as it turned out, it had a major impact on my wife. She saw all the other ‘normal’ children running around and our daughter not able to keep up or join in. These experiences build up and can then take a toll on relationships unexpectantly.’’

Nigel admits, “When we first got involved in Emmanuel Support, it was with some nervousness on my part. I had a wife that desperately needed more support and friendships from others in similar situations. But as men, we often feel if we can’t fix it ourselves, we are lacking. However, as a husband and parent to children with disabilities, I have learnt we cannot walk this journey alone. And to some extent I found as a husband, I needed to let go of trying to meet all these emotional needs by myself and put it out there that we needed help. Nothing prepares us for a child with a disability and for any relationship under strain we need others in our lives. It’s often others who have walked the same journey that are in the best place to ‘be there’ at the right time. Emmanuel Support was a really big part of that support we both needed at the time and still do.”

There are so many needs for parents of children with disabilities. But Nigel shares that both of them have found that “sometimes, what you really need, is just a listening ear from others who are in your same space. Someone who has lived the same experience being a special needs parent. Someone to pray with and lift our challenges before God. And Emmanuel Support provides that. We don’t have the resources to provide financial or physical help as such. However, we are a group that cares and listens. Just as a by-product of that friendship, people often find out about other agencies that can help. One of our Mums, Dorothy is great for that!”

Emmanuel Support was set up largely to provide opportunities for parents to get together and share freely without fear of judgment. As well as help families come to terms with grief, deal with feelings of isolation and loneliness, and find wholeness in Jesus Christ. “We do that through activities such as retreats and catchups,” says Penny.

“Although it’s been challenging with Covid, we try to run 3 retreats a year. One for parents, one for the women and another one for the men. We hold a children’s Christmas party and Parents’ Christmas dinner. During the lockdowns we have been having weekly Zoom calls.”

Those retreat weekends have been very successful. “At times, parents really need a break from the children they care for, to recharge their strength. At retreats, they can get away without having to do the day-to-day routine. This also allows connecting with a group of parents going through the same scenarios. Parents are able also to share without being judged. Emmanuel Support creates opportunities for networking with other parents that might have been through the same experiences.”

The next retreat is booked for the Easter Weekend, at the usual venue Peacemakers in Parakai (50km north of Auckland). If you are interested in finding out more about Emmanuel Support, please contact Nigel and Penny. All activities are communicated through newsletters, sign up by scanning the QR code below. “With the support of other parents, we become a bigger family, understanding and supporting each other’s journey.”

emmanuelsupport@elevatecdt.org.nz

_________________________

 

Image of the cover of the encourager magazine issue 173 March 2022

 

Want to read the full magazine? Click here to read the current and previous issues or to sign up to get future issues delivered digitally to your mailbox or posted a hard copy!