A poem written by Emma Cox
Autism.
Diagnosed at 4
Or “Asperger’s Syndrome” as it was called back then
Growing up, struggling with shame
There’s no way I could have a label like THAT!? I thought
“Unable to build proper relationships
“Fixated” “Obsessed”
“Unempathetic”
“Intense”
“No imagination”
But I love people!
But I love relationships!
How could I have a label like that!?
Put in a box
Misunderstood
God why? Why did you make me like this!?
Wishing I could have surgery
To take this so called “autism”
Taken out of my brain
So I could be so-called “normal”
So I could be like “everybody else”
But is that what I want?
I guess not
I thought God doesn’t make mistakes
Then why did he make me?
Living in a world where people tell you to
“Be yourself!’ only not like THAT!?
Beating myself up
How could I say that
Cringing
Oh no, I’m doing an “autism thing” again
Masking
Covering it all up
Don’t show any signs
Don’t let them know
Striving for acceptance
For Belonging and friendship
To be loved just as I am
Not really seeing the love
That was right in front of me
All along
By caring people
Despite the challenges
Slowly blooming
Year by year
With kind people by my side
Who see the gold in me
When I don’t see it myself
Finding refuge
In going to camps
Escaping to be
Where I can be truly myself
Learning I can be weird and it’s okay!
Leaving my labels at the gate
Living in community
Finding my people
I need to face this shame head on
Living with people
Who see my best sides and worst sides
And love me regardless
for and not despite
My neurodiversity
It’s okay to be different!
It’s okay to be weird!
I am loved, quirks and all
I was never a mistake
Learning to accept
Learning to confront
The shame I’ve held all these years
Contacting an autism parent’s group
“Do you have anything for adults?”
“No we don’t but maybe you could start one!”
Confronting the fact that I am autistic
And that’s okay
Learning I am loved
Just as I am
Learning my autism is not a mistake
I am made by God
I am loved as I am
Yes, I am loved as I am!
Starting a group
The Island of Misfits
A home for the misfits, the outcasts, the weirdos
The different, the broken, the “just haven’t found their people”
Anyone is welcome
Free to share their views
Eating together
Laughing together
Bringing others into community
Embracing my neurodiversity
As something to celebrate
Rather than hide
Running an event
By Misfits For Misfits
To celebrate our differences
And know we’re not alone
I am loved
Strengths,
Weakness
And all
A child of God
Autistic, whole and loved <3
I wrote this poem a few days after running a workshop called By Misfits For Misfits- which I ran this past weekend. My past self, who was so buried in shame, would never have imagined that I would now be running a group for neurodivergents! God has taken me on the craziest journey of not only learning to embrace my own neurodiversity, but helping others to embrace and celebrate theirs too 🙂 I am so excited so see what’s in store next for this beautiful community
Posted in conjunction with Neurodiversity Celebration Week 2024
